My Story of Hope

Hi friend. Thank you so much for stopping by. Now buckle up, because we are going to get real deep real fast!!!

I am going to share three resounding themes in my life: trauma, hope, and resilience. 

According to the Merriam-webster dictionary, Trauma is the Greek word for “wound”. People experience trauma in many ways. The broad definition of a traumatic event is “an incident that causes physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm. The person experiencing the distressing event may feel threatened, anxious, or frightened as a result. In some cases, they may not know how to respond, or may be in denial about the effect such an event has had.”

I have learned a lot on this topic as I have sought my own healing and growth. 

My own journey has been filled with traumatic events and the effects are very real in my life each day. I grew up in a family of 11 children. My home was extremely emotionally abusive. There was physical abuse as well. But where I feel the most pain is when I think of the emotional abuse I witnessed. I never felt safe or secure. Most days we were walking on eggshells, waiting for the eruption of anger, and doing everything possible to stay on the good side of it. When you grow up in an angry and abusive home, full of control and manipulation, your life is a series of traumatic events – but you often do not realize that until later. Even using the word “traumatic” was hard for me as I began working with a counselor later in life and describing scene after scene in my upbringing that wounded my heart and mind. But I had to face the reality of what those events did to me. 

At the age of 23, I was completely financially dependent on my father and the third oldest sister to my younger siblings that I loved with all my heart. I knew that confronting the abuse/leaving my family would mean that I would lose everything – relationship with my little siblings and financial security. I was also extremely scared of my father and had done everything in my power to maintain a peaceful relationship with him, out of my fear. The last thing I wanted was for my father to know how much I wanted to leave and how much he had hurt me. I knew that would not go my way. But I came to a breaking point. In a complicated series of events, I helped one of my younger brothers run away from home after he was severely abused. In the same week, my father in a moment of anger threatened to “cut me off”…which used to scare me to death and cause me to say and do what he wanted to appease him…but in that moment, it was all I wanted. I wanted out. For the first time in my 23 years, I shared every bit of my childhood with a pastor on my college campus (I was going to college in Texas at this time). She told me I had every right to leave. That I was an adult and that I did not have to live with this abuse. I was deathly afraid to stand up to my family, and I felt like my life would end if I did so. I will never forget what the Pastor said in my moment of decision. She took my hands and looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Ariel, you will be ok.” That was all I needed to know…that I would be ok. 

Many people thinking of leaving abusive relationships are in survival mode and all they want or need to hear is that they will be ok…If you are a friend to someone who is scared to leave, be that voice for them…tell them they will be ok. 

But what is ok…? The reality is that “Ok” is often painful and very messy when you leave abuse.

What happened next was a blur of two dark years for me. I took extreme measures to cut ties with my parents…it all happened in one week - and part of that meant losing everything financially as well as losing relationships with my little siblings still at home. Losing them caused me deep levels of grief and shock.

What helped me cope was that I still had my little brother Jed – who had run away from home – and a year later he came to my college in Texas to start his life over. We were best friends, and he gave me so much joy. Watching him find freedom and heal from the severe abuse he endured gave me so much hope. However, the two years after cutting ties with the rest of my family were still very dark for me emotionally. I felt numb for over a year, unable to process losing my relationship with them but knowing that I had done what needed to be done. I was in complete shock over everything that happened. I felt constant pressure to “go back” – say the things my family wanted to hear and deny the abuse. But I knew in my gut that I needed to stay strong. My prayer was that one day my siblings would see what true freedom looks like and that they too would face reality and get the help they need. I knew that my freedom was bigger than me –it was about exposing darkness and lies and setting many other people free. 

After two years of threats and harassment, my abuser showed up in my town with the purpose of harassing me in every way possible. Thankfully, after two days of hiding from him, the police found him and asked him to leave town. 

That event sent me into another tailspin of shock, fear and extreme anxiety. It felt like I would never be ok. I would never be truly free of his abuse. He refused to leave me be. 

Within a week, a Pastor in my life met with me and told me about a counseling center in another state, in a place I had never heard of, that would take me in and help me process all the trauma in my life. My heart leapt and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. Within days, I was on the road and arrived in Washington (where the counseling center was located). I moved into the basement of a family connected to the counseling center that agreed to host me. I began 8 months of intensive therapy. Those were some dark and lonely days for me. My first few months of therapy was extremely overwhelming. Tapping into memories that I had tried hard to forget filled me with so much pain and depression. Many nights were spent curled up in a ball on my bed, hugging my Bible and crying in agony. Asking God “why”. I struggled with extreme guilt and pain knowing my siblings were still home with my family and that I couldn’t save them. I felt confused. I will never forget, in a moment of extreme agony and fear, I broke down to a very dear mentor in my life, and he leaned forward and looked me in the eye and said, “Ariel, God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you”…He will never leave you, Ariel. You will never be alone.” I clung to that promise in the years that followed…and to this day. 

Two years after my move to Washington, my little brother Jed, who at that point was my closest and only trusted family member, died in a tragic accident. He was only 20 years old. Losing Jed was and still is the most shocking and traumatic thing I have ever faced. He was without a doubt the most precious person to me on this earth. And unfortunately, immediately after his death and to this day, the harassment from the abuser in my life has continued until very recently. My experiences are mocked and denied and my character has been repeatedly slandered.

So now what? Where do we go from here? I have shared this much of my story with you in the hopes that you know that what I say next is from the depths of my heart. 

In the midst of everything, HOPE has been the greatest theme of my life. At age 7, I felt a deep sense of purpose and calling in my heart to serve God. I knew he had a plan for me. In dark moments of confusion growing up, I have many memories of running off and hiding, talking to God and in tears telling him to show his love for me. I was confused about God, because my representation of a father was scary, angry, and judgmental…so I naturally felt that God was that way…BUT, I knew he was real, and I had a constant sense of hope that ONE day, everything would be better and I would have a life of purpose. I had a hope that one day I would feel ok, and that I would feel loved unconditionally. Looking back now at those sweet moments as a little girl, I see God’s grace in my life. He gave me those slivers of hope to KEEP GOING…and that is what I have to say to you…you reading this blog….KEEP GOING. 

Never ever allow the pain and injustice in life to rob you of hope. Hope is precious. Do not allow anger, bitterness, and sorrow to steal the part deep inside of you that is like a little child, a little child HOPING that they will have better days. Still to this day I face a constant decision to choose hope over despair. And I choose hope. Hope fuels me, it gives me purpose, energy, and anticipation in the midst of deep pain and agony. Hope tells me that one day, all this pain will be redeemed. One day, all this injustice will be made right. One day, I will look back in victory over my enemies, over those who have sought to destroy me, and I will see the glory of God and his miraculous power and redemption in my story. Hope tells me that I will feel peace, I will feel rest, I will feel unconditional love, I will always keep fighting for what God has called me to fight for…because I have hope. 

Friend, do not allow your trauma to steal your hope. 

And lastly, I want to talk to you about how strong you are. 

If you have experienced abuse, injustice, grief and loss, my friend, and if you are still going, still fighting, still trying…you are strong. YOU ARE RESILIENT. 

One of the definitions I found for resilience is “one’s ability to bounce back. To be a resilient person means to be able to withstand and adapt to hardships, including trauma. In some cases, it can mean finding a path that leads to a stronger position.”

You need to take a moment to recognize your resilience, and to celebrate it. You are finding a path that leads to a STRONGER POSITION.

Are you still here? You are resilient. Are you still trying? You are resilient. Are you seeking help? You are resilient. Are you facing your pain? You are resilient. Are you letting people into your life even though it is excruciatingly hard to trust? You are resilient. Do you say sorry when your pain trips you up and hurts others? You are resilient. 

When I look back over the events of my life and see the effects of trauma that I still face every single day – chronic pain, anxiety, depression, fear, desire to isolate, numbness, anger – I tend to struggle with shame. I feel broken. 

But what is the truth?

The truth is I am incredibly strong. I am incredibly resilient. And I will never ever allow grief, pain, abuse, harassment, ugly memories, shame, or fear to steal my precious hope and cause me to give up. I remind myself every single day, and even in this moment as I write these words, that every single thing the enemy meant for evil in my life GOD WILL USE FOR GOOD AND FOR SAVING LIVES. 

When everything in you wants to shut down, or blame others, or feel self-pity, or throw in the towel, DON’T. Don’t give up. Be resilient. When you want to run and hide in your pain and isolate yourself from others because you feel like you can never truly connect, PUSH THROUGH. Open your heart and the door and let safe people in. When you feel that overwhelming sense of pain and agony because you were not meant for trauma and you do not know how to process your shock, remember GOD…and how far he has brought you…AND HOW FAR HE WILL BRING YOU. And when you do not understand your purpose…why all these things have happened or are still happening to you, remember, you are not alone. 

And know this: your freedom will multiply and bring freedom to many others. Do. Not. Give. Up. I am speaking to myself as much as I am to you reading this. Do. Not. Give. Up. Someone needs to see you fight and see you overcome. Someone needs to see that freedom, hope, peace, and a life of purpose is possible amid trauma.

Have hope and be resilient my friend. It will all be worth it. I am standing with you in this. 

Thank you for reading my story.